Will I ever measure up?

1 Kings 19:11-12

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹¹ And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.^[a]

As I was washing off (read using all my strength to scrape off old dried on cereal) the girls bench last week my mind was at war

"What is wrong with you woman?! Why can't you keep a clean home?"

"Isn't it nice not to be so uptight about housework?"

"Maybe you are a little to laid back?"

"At least my girls won't look back and remember a mother who only cleaned, but what if they don't even know how to clean?!"

Amidst the chaos in my head I hear a still small voice

 "You were not created to be like anyone else. I love you just the way you are, the way I created you"

Simple. Beautiful. Truth.

What amazing love. Not only do I serve a God who created me and loves me, he loves me so much he spent time working on my details. I was not make in bulk, just like everyone else, I was created to be me, unlike anyone else.

We are not meant to do things like everyone else. God has a specific detailed design for each and every one of us. What love, what precious love

I pray that next time my mind starts to head into war my heart can put up a wall and remind me of how loved I am, how desperately God cares for me. Knowing and believing that truth with all I am will leave me at peace rather than broken and hurting when the war of comparison is raging all around me.

Wrestling with God

I have been in a huge wrestling match with God lately. Okay let's be honest, I have been throwing a fit and He has been putting up with me.  

My family and I have been making some huge changes in the way we do life.  A large change we have made is to essential oils, or God's medicine cabinet. I have never been big on medicine, I am very thankful that big medicine is there for emergencies, I just don't prefer it for everyday life.

I believe essential oils are a gift from God and they have been a huge blessing in my life. Unfortunately as with most things they cost money and there are so many options. Daniel and I had settled on a company that we felt had the highest quality and have been using them for about 4 months. There is another company however that we also think is of high quality. I had been looking to make the switch but sadly they are not giving away their product and I am not made of money.

So rather than waiting and saving I have been plotting and planning because my flesh has been on a materialistic "I want it ALL" spree the last few months and I hate it! It is nasty and consuming and I just want out. Years ago a precious wise woman said "What you feed will grow" and boy is that true. I have been feeding my flesh, my flesh wants stuff and stuff it has gotten. 

Don't get me wrong, it is not always bad to have things. What is bad is to crave things. It is wrong to go into bondage for things. It is wrong to put off paying those who you already owe to spend more. It is wrong to let your emotions run free until you get your way.

It is selfish and wrong for me to expect God to bless me with more when I am not stewarding what He has already blessed me with. Honestly it is a slap in Gods face.

I don't think there is anything wrong with dreaming and planning for the future as long as I remember to stay present and focused on today.

My future may want to be able to spend without having to save and work the budget so tight but today says "Here is what you have, steward it well"

My future may want to grow my oil collection but today says "Use and be thankful for the oils you do have"

My future may want to share my joy and all I have learned about oils with others but today says "Enjoy your husband and babies"

Today  I will embrace and cherish what I have been blessed with. I will learn to steward it well and continue to seek God with each and every choice I make and maybe someday my future will hold more, maybe it won't. Either way I will rejoice and be glad in it